Wellygogs

by Jayne

Are you an infomaniac? (say it quickly and smile!)

I always thought I was and my dear husband always wished I was! He was Portuguese and spoke very quickly! I, on the other hand, speak more slowly which resulted in constant misunderstandings and breakdowns in certain areas of communication. Wonder why?

Information + mania = infomania aka an excessive enthusiasm for accumulating facts. Information + mania + person = infomaniac aka someone with an obsessive thirst for knowledge.

"Hey, are you talking to me?" — "You've got it in one!"

So far, so good. There's a certain logic in there and I for one am not going to argue with the maths (or math if you're from t'other side of the pond).

Unfortunately, certain people are never satisfied with what's good and feel the need to go one step further - progress(?). The particular gentleman I have in mind is Dr. Glenn Wilson of the Institute of Psychiatry at the University of London and his team of researchers who, in their infinite wisdom, and perhaps having nothing better to do, decided "infomania" needed a new definition. (To be fair, it was Hewlett Packard who actually paid for the research.) "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" seems to have flown through the window yet again in the constant search for originality.

Public warning – you may unwittingly be the victim of a new and widespread addiction and be suffering from enhanced stupidity! This insidious addiction is more detrimental to your mental health than smoking marijuana, which induces a four-point drop in IQ in regular users! Infomania can produce an average of a 10-point drop in intelligence and, wait for it, men are more susceptible than women. Hmmmm!

OK, I've got my shovel out and me wellies on, so let's go digging. The basic requirements for becoming an infomaniac is a mobile phone and/or a computer and a couple of arthritis-free fingers/thumbs depending on your technique. You will have seemingly lost all interest in the "real" world which surrounds you and will have plunged to the murky depths of the "on-line" world. You will be one of the 1,000+ British adults who took part in this research program and probably go to business meetings. Phew! That lets me off the hook anyway. Getting the idea yet?

To cut a long waffle short, basically today's hip definition of an infomaniac is someone who regularly thumbs a quick text message while talking to people, frequently checks incoming e-mails (immediately or within an hour) and does not consider it inappropriate to interrupt a business meeting or a social gathering in order to respond to a text message or e-mail. Sound familiar? Well, it ain't me!

The plot thickens! While reading "the other" article, I came across this little gem: "…the intrusive nature of electronic communication in the noughties..." OK, what in heaven's name are the "noughties"? Ever get the feeling you're being left behind? After a fruitless search in my dictionary (which is pre-noughties!), I've once again made a mental note to buy a new "hip" dictionary. After a subsequent and fruitless Google, my un enhanced stupidity (or should that be disenhanced stupidity?) came up with the following: "the noughties" is the decade 2000-2009!? So now we're living in the naughties. Great, sounds like fun except no-one told me! Reminds me of a sign I saw in France for a company called "Nauti Sports". Sounds interesting and undeniably French!

The trouble with wielding a shovel and wearing wellies is that the hole tends to get deeper by the minute. If you've decided you are an unwitting victim of infomania, please check your thumbs - you might also be the unwitting victim of another, equally undesirable, affliction called BlackBerry thumb. This has nothing to do with picking blackberries! I quote: "In recent weeks, UK MPs in the House of Commons were warned that they would be thrown out if caught using a BlackBerry* in the chamber!" OK, that's it! I've had it with this British intolerance, what harm could a blackberry do in the House of Commons?

Packed lunches, blackberry pie, takeaway blackberry curry? What strange times we live in! Alas, BlackBerry thumb is yet another ailment connected with the repetitive use of electronic devices and is a cousin of Nintendo thumb in the '90s and tetwrist (Tetris?) during the '80s. So BlackBerry thumb is the scourge of the '00s (noughties). The mind boggles! Alistair Campbell and David Beckham (who else?) have been instrumental in bringing the BlackBerry into fashion. I think all I've got is athlete's foot and I can get a cream at the chemist's quite easily without going through the House of Commons!

The human race, being what it is, isn't content with leaving the blackberries alone. No, we now also have crackberries, i.e. compulsive users of the device affectionately(?) known as the BlackBerry (after the word "crack") and even flirtberrying, the art of sending flirtatious messages via a BlackBerry! Good god in heaven, where will it end? Do you still feel like having a good dollop of blackberry jam on yer toast tomorrow morning? I don't.

The article I read which spawned this load of waffle considered the phenomenon as "fleeting", so if I am "fleetingly" no longer an infomaniac, what have I become? To all those unwitting victims out there, please be fleeting so I can recuperate my dignity as a serious full-time infomaniac and let's get on with the good stuff in life.

See ya!

* The BlackBerry is a device sold by mobile phone companies all over the world and includes phone and text messaging functions via a keypad which allows you to type with your thumbs only (?) and excessive use of the thumbs for typing can cause all sorts of nasties such as damage to the tendons. "Experts argue that, since e-mails tend to be much longer than text messages, use of the BlackBerry puts much more stress on the thumbs." You're telling me! I cannot comprehend typing an e-mail or anything else with only my thumbs. And what do the other eight fingers do while all this hyper-thumbing is going on, I wonder?